Giga Pack/Giga Pack CD1.iso/adv/trilogy/asylum.dat

Text File | 1991-06-22 | 42.2 KB | 1,795 lines

 151
You
The Doppelganger
The Evil Doppelganger
Prudence Nausea
Manic Melvin
Eddie the Biker
Leo McDeux
Diana Dymchurch
Linda StClair
a music cassette
Prudence's car keys
some kind of magazine
a glossy leaflet
a file about The Doppelganger
a long university-type scarf
a list of inmates
a Trabant
a Ratners Watch
Bits of a Harley Davidson
a Gold pass
a Silver pass
a Bronze pass
a spare pass
an Amtrak PC
a computer game
a portrait
a hypodermic syringe
a bottle of sedative
some pills
a small blue and white box
The Dodworth Buzzard
a crystal ball
a sandwich
a Yorkie bar
some Ruffles
a tray of food
a chocolate toffee
a brown bag
a book
some bag fluff
a white towel
a plastic cup
a teddy bear
a mattress
a Fender Stratocaster Guitar
some Australian sticky tape
an economy toilet roll
a lumpy pillow
a swedish railway ticket
your clothes
a large sign
a SCC Security Cardlock
Prudence's Mini
an in-car Stereo
a secret panel in the wall
a 'Well Come' mat
a 'Lixmax' Drinks dispenser
a calendar
a comfy chair
a filing cabinet
a desk
a telephone
an examination table
a large poster
a ferocious Shih-Tzu standing guard
a camp bed
a pansy stool
an effeminate bench
the gate
the front door
a padded cell door
cell number one
cell number two
cell number three
cell number four
cell number five
cell number six
cell number seven
cell number eight
cell number nine
cell number ten
@'s feet
reception
the office
the waiting room
main stores
the supplies room
the nurse's station
out
in
the treatment area
the 'TEA' button
the 'COFFEE' button
the 'ORANGE DRINK' button
the 'CHICKEN SOUP' button
the 'BOVRIL' button
a button
please
the police
the speaking clock
hello
goodbye
good morning
good afternoon
goodnight
go%
go% north
go% south
go% east
go% west
look# around
say#
put#
open#
close#
enter#
examine#
read#
kill#
panic#
ask# for help
hang# around doing nothing
get#
drop#
do% an inventory of
eat#
drink#
chew#
suck#
inject#
hit#
steal#
throw#
give#
wave#
wipe#
push%
play#
call#
sit#
feed#
enter# automatic mode - any key to exit.
enter# spy mode
exit# spy mode
begin# a transcript of ASYLUM!
stop# the transcript
[CENSORED EXPRESSION] - Very Naughty!
behave# like an idiot!
save# the game
load# the game
quit# the game
drive# off into the distance
 213
"PUT",112
"INSER",112
"OPEN",113
"CLOSE",114
"ENTER",115
"EXAM",116
"READ",117
"KILL",118
"MURD",118
"SLAY",118
"PANIC",119
"HELP",120
"WAIT ",121
"GET",122
"TAKE",122
"DROP",123
"INV",124
"EAT",125
"DRINK",126
"CHEW",127
"SUCK",128
"INJECT",129
"JAB",129
"HIT",130
"ATTACK",130
"KICK",130
"STEAL",131
"NICK",131
"THROW",132
"GIVE",133
"WAVE",134
"WIPE",135
"PUSH",136
"PRESS",136
"PLAY",137
"CALL",138
"SIT",139
"FEED",140
"AUTO",141
"SPYON",142
"SPYOFF",143
"SCRIPT",144
"UNSCRI",145
"BUGG",146
"FUC",146
"BLOODY",146
"BELG",146
"SHIT",146
"XYZZY",147
"PLUGH",147
"PLOVER",147
"IZZY",147
"SESAME",147
"ABRA",147
"SAVE",148
"LOAD",149
"QUIT",150
"DRIVE",151
"I ",0
"MY",0
"ME ",0
"DOP",1
"DG ",1
"EVIL",2
"PRU",3
"MELV",4
"EDDIE",5
"LEO",6
"DISP",56
"DINK",64
"DI",7
"LIND",8
"CASS",9
"KEYS",10
"MAG",11
"LEAF",12
"FILE",13
"SCARF",14
"LIST",15
"TRAB",16
"WATCH",17
"BIKE",18
"HARLEY",18
"BITS",18
"GOLD",19
"SILV",20
"BRON",21
"SPARE",22
"PC",23
"GAME",24
"PORT",25
"SYRI",26
"HYPO",26
"BOTT",27
"SED",27
"PILLS",28
"BOX",29
"BUZZ",30
"DODW",30
"CRYS",31
"BALL",31
"SAN",32
"YORKI",33
"RUFFL",34
"TRAY",35
"FOOD",35
"TOFF",36
"CHOC",36
"BAG",37
"BOOK",38
"FLUF",39
"TOWEL",40
"CUP",41
"BEAR",42
"TEDD",42
"MATT",43
"FEND",44
"STRAT",44
"GUIT",44
"TAPE",45
"ROLL",46
"PILLO",47
"TICK",48
"CLOTH",49
"SIGN",50
"LOCK",51
"CARDL",51
"MINI",52
"STEREO",53
"PANEL",54
"MAT ",55
"CAL",57
"CHAI",58
"CAB",59
"DESK",60
"TELE",61
"PHON",61
"TABLE",62
"POST",63
"DOG",64
"SHIH",64
"BED",65
"PANS",66
"STOOL",66
"EFF",67
"BENCH",67
"GATE",68
"DOOR",69
"CELL",70
"ONE",71
"1 ",71
"TWO",72
"2",72
"THREE",73
"3",73
"FOUR",74
"4",74
"FIVE",75
"5",75
"SIX",76
"6",76
"SEVEN",77
"7",77
"EIGHT",78
"8",78
"NINE",79
"9",79
"TEN",80
"10",80
"FEET",81
"RECEP",82
"OFFIC",83
"WAITI",84
"ROOM",84
"STOR",85
"SUPPL",86
"NURS",87
"STAT",87
"OUT",88
"IN",89
"TREAT",90
"AREA",90
"TEA",91
"COFF",92
"ORAN",93
"CHICK",94
"BOVR",95
"BUTTON",96
"PLEASE",97
"999",98
"COPS",98
"POLI",98
"FUZZ",98
"TIM",99
"CLOCK",99
"HELLO",100
"HI",100
"GOODB",101
"BYE",101
"MORNI",102
"AFT",103
"GOODN",104
"GO ",105
"NOR",106
"N ",106
"SOU",107
"S ",107
"EAS",108
"E ",108
"WES",109
"W ",109
"LOOK",110
"SAY",111
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inside Prudence's Mini
outside the gate
inside the gate
the driveway
outside the front door
the porch
the main hall
the waiting room
reception
the end of the hall
Leo McDeux's office
the southern end of the corridor
the treatment area
central corridor
main stores
the nurse's station
the entrance to the cell block
the medical supplies room
cell number one
between cells one and two
cell number two
cell number three
between cells three and four
cell number four
cell number five
between cells five and six
cell number six
cell number seven
between cells seven and eight
cell number eight
cell number nine
between cells nine and ten
cell number ten
the entrance to some secret caves
the eastern cave corner
the northern cave corner
the domain of Dinky the dog
a brightly lit hall
a dimly lit hall
the Evil Doppelganger's room
a cave
a boring cave
a plain old cave
a dull and uninteresting cave
a depressingly gloomy cave
You are currently seated inside a nice little navy blue Mini which bears
the registration number NAU 42 P. On the back window of the car is a
sticker which reads 'Mathematicians do it by numbers'.
The car is parked outside the front gate of the Asylum.
*
This is the end of the road outside the Asylum. Here stands the large
main gate set firmly in a high, strangely smooth wall topped off with
spikes and barbed wire. In a prominent position just below the top of
the wall a message has been painted in large unfriendly letters. It
reads 'Danger 5000 Volts - Trespassers shall be Toasted!' Not the
kind of place one would wish to break into..
*
This is the end of the drive just inside the main gate. A long
treelined drive winds down to a brooding, Lovecraftian hulk of
a building in the distance.
*
You are halfway along the drive between the main gate and the asylum
itself. You can feel the chilling wind howling between the trees, and
hear the cold heartless crunch of the gravel underfoot.
*
Here at the front door of the Asylum you can clearly see the strange
architecture of the place, indeed it is a veritable carbuncle almost,
and rumour has it that the designer of the Asylum was the very first
inmate to grace one of the padded cells!
*
You are standing on a very large doormat just inside the front door
of the Asylum. From here you may proceed, with caution, further up the
hall, or, with discretion (better part and all that..), down the drive
and away...
*
In the main hall we find the door to the Waiting room, while the hall
itself spreads out from south to north. Your footsteps echo hollowly
from the highly polished Parquet flooring.
*
This is the waiting room. The only window in this room is high, meshed
and barred. A dazzlingly bright fluorescent light shines down irritating
your eyes. The room itself is painted in a particularly offensive shade
of nauseating green.
*
Asylum Reception. Here at the Asylum, the staff are just as crazy, (if
not crazier), than the Inmates, and one to watch out for is the Asylum
receptionist Linda StClair. She will be of great help to you in your
quest, as she is a great help to everyone else in the Asylum. (this
chronicler said sarcastically.)
*
You are now at the end of the hall. Nearby is Asylum Reception and Leo
McDeux's Office, here also we find an S.C.C. Security Door, which is
operated by a Cardlock, thereby opening, and remaining open just long
enough for people to pass through, and it's a pleasure for them to open
for you, and job satisfaction for them to close again..
*
You are now in the private office of Leo McDeux, the director of the
Asylum. Three of the walls in this room are covered in old fashioned
wooden panelling, apart from one, covered in a gigantic TV screen,
currently showing a continuous picture of one of those Lava lamps which
were incredibly trendy at one time. On the ceiling a lamp moves around
its circular track like the baleful eye of some unseen big brother.
*
This is the southern end of a corridor which connects the entrance and
reception areas of the Asylum with the Padded Cell Block. To the south
the way is guarded by an S.C.C. Security door complete with Cardlock
device.
*
This is the Treatment room, or maybe that ought to be the Mistreatment
room. A painfully bright light shines down from the ceiling, bleaching
out all shadows, yes, it's real sunglasses city Arizona! Here is where
the unfortunate inmates are given 'The Treatment' by the deliciously
evil Asylum Nurse!
*
This is the centre of the Asylum. To far north and far south are
security doors at the ends of this, the central corridor. Here is
where we find main stores and the treatment room. The floor of this
corridor is covered in a strange sort of vinyl floor covering on which
your shoes squeak alarmingly, like mice in a mixer.
*
This is Main Stores, this claustrophobically small room is lined in
shelving, all dimly illuminated by a small 40 wall lightbulb, which is
swinging slowly from the ceiling, going from side to side, to and fro,
then fro and to again, reminiscent of the title sequence to 'Callan'
*
This is the nurse's station, otherwise known as Diana Dymchurch's room.
Here she can relax in her own sweet tyrannical ways inbetween treating,
or should that be mis-treating, the poor ol' unfortunate inmates..
*
This is the northern end of the central corridor and the entrance to
the top security Padded Cell Block. Here is another of those maddeningly
infuriating S.C.C. security doors and attendant Cardlock. Grr..!
*
You are now in the Medical Supplies room, here is where all the assorted
drugs, and evil looking Hypodermic syringes are kept, until some member
of the Asylum Staff decides to use them on someone. (Mine's the GREEN
needle please nursey...) But the asylum staff are so amazingly crazy and
so far out to lunch it's almost dinnertime that they are not averse to
using them on each other! I've heard of giving people a dose of their own
medicine, but this is just crazy..!
*
You are in one of the Padded Cells. The floor, walls and ceiling are lined
in a special tear-resistant, stain-resistant, fire-resistant, and tough as
old boots deeply quilted padding several inches deep. (D-G Enterprises
Loony-Safe - Pat.Pend.) From a small hole in the high ceiling shines a
brilliant blue-white light (as used in DAZ commercials) which makes your
eyeballs itch. The cell door is only openable from the OUTSIDE! (Makes
sense to me..) so if someone closes it now, you're TRAPPED!
*
You are in a corridor which runs north and south down the centre of the
padded cell block of the Asylum. There are cell doors either side.
There is an S.C.C. security door and cardlock to South.
*
You are in one of the Padded Cells. The floor, walls and ceiling are lined
in a special tear-resistant, stain-resistant, fire-resistant, and tough as
old boots deeply quilted padding several inches deep. (D-G Enterprises
Loony-Safe - Pat.Pend.) From a small hole in the high ceiling shines a
brilliant blue-white light (as used in DAZ commercials) which makes your
eyeballs itch. The cell door is only openable from the OUTSIDE! (Makes
sense to me..) so if someone closes it now, you're TRAPPED!
*
You are in one of the Padded Cells. The floor, walls and ceiling are lined
in a special tear-resistant, stain-resistant, fire-resistant, and tough as
old boots deeply quilted padding several inches deep. (D-G Enterprises
Loony-Safe - Pat.Pend.) From a small hole in the high ceiling shines a
brilliant blue-white light (as used in DAZ commercials) which makes your
eyeballs itch. The cell door is only openable from the OUTSIDE! (Makes
sense to me..) so if someone closes it now, you're TRAPPED!
*
You are in a corridor which runs north and south down the centre of the
padded cell block of the Asylum. There are cell doors either side.
*
You are in one of the Padded Cells. The floor, walls and ceiling are lined
in a special tear-resistant, stain-resistant, fire-resistant, and tough as
old boots deeply quilted padding several inches deep. (D-G Enterprises
Loony-Safe - Pat.Pend.) From a small hole in the high ceiling shines a
brilliant blue-white light (as used in DAZ commercials) which makes your
eyeballs itch. The cell door is only openable from the OUTSIDE! (Makes
sense to me..) so if someone closes it now, you're TRAPPED!
*
You are in one of the Padded Cells. The floor, walls and ceiling are lined
in a special tear-resistant, stain-resistant, fire-resistant, and tough as
old boots deeply quilted padding several inches deep. (D-G Enterprises
Loony-Safe - Pat.Pend.) From a small hole in the high ceiling shines a
brilliant blue-white light (as used in DAZ commercials) which makes your
eyeballs itch. The cell door is only openable from the OUTSIDE! (Makes
sense to me..) so if someone closes it now, you're TRAPPED!
*
You are in a corridor which runs north and south down the centre of the
padded cell block of the Asylum. There are cell doors either side.
*
You are in one of the Padded Cells. The floor, walls and ceiling are lined
in a special tear-resistant, stain-resistant, fire-resistant, and tough as
old boots deeply quilted padding several inches deep. (D-G Enterprises
Loony-Safe - Pat.Pend.) From a small hole in the high ceiling shines a
brilliant blue-white light (as used in DAZ commercials) which makes your
eyeballs itch. The cell door is only openable from the OUTSIDE! (Makes
sense to me..) so if someone closes it now, you're TRAPPED!
*
You are in one of the Padded Cells. The floor, walls and ceiling are lined
in a special tear-resistant, stain-resistant, fire-resistant, and tough as
old boots deeply quilted padding several inches deep. (D-G Enterprises
Loony-Safe - Pat.Pend.) From a small hole in the high ceiling shines a
brilliant blue-white light (as used in DAZ commercials) which makes your
eyeballs itch. The cell door is only openable from the OUTSIDE! (Makes
sense to me..) so if someone closes it now, you're TRAPPED!
*
You are in a corridor which runs north and south down the centre of the
padded cell block of the Asylum. There are cell doors either side.
*
You are in one of the Padded Cells. The floor, walls and ceiling are lined
in a special tear-resistant, stain-resistant, fire-resistant, and tough as
old boots deeply quilted padding several inches deep. (D-G Enterprises
Loony-Safe - Pat.Pend.) From a small hole in the high ceiling shines a
brilliant blue-white light (as used in DAZ commercials) which makes your
eyeballs itch. The cell door is only openable from the OUTSIDE! (Makes
sense to me..) so if someone closes it now, you're TRAPPED!
*
You are in one of the Padded Cells. The floor, walls and ceiling are lined
in a special tear-resistant, stain-resistant, fire-resistant, and tough as
old boots deeply quilted padding several inches deep. (D-G Enterprises
Loony-Safe - Pat.Pend.) From a small hole in the high ceiling shines a
brilliant blue-white light (as used in DAZ commercials) which makes your
eyeballs itch. The cell door is only openable from the OUTSIDE! (Makes
sense to me..) so if someone closes it now, you're TRAPPED!
*
You are in a corridor which runs north and south down the centre of the
padded cell block of the Asylum. There are cell doors either side.
*
You are in one of the Padded Cells. The floor, walls and ceiling are lined
in a special tear-resistant, stain-resistant, fire-resistant, and tough as
old boots deeply quilted padding several inches deep. (D-G Enterprises
Loony-Safe - Pat.Pend.) From a small hole in the high ceiling shines a
brilliant blue-white light (as used in DAZ commercials) which makes your
eyeballs itch. The cell door is only openable from the OUTSIDE! (Makes
sense to me..) so if someone closes it now, you're TRAPPED!
*
This is the entrance to the secret caves, one exit leading to Leo
McDeux's office, while caves run off in two other directions. This
is all really good fun, eh?
*
You are at the eastern corner of a gloomy corridor which snakes off to
north and west. On the wall there is some graffiti which says :-
'Mad Clive Sinklair is a Rubber Fetishist! - signed Allan Sucrose'
*
You're at the northern corner of a damp, mossy, smelly little cave curving
round to south and east. On the wall you find the following libretto :-
 'Just Acornetto
..Give it to Me..
..Pricey Computers..
..for B.B.C...' - signed Crazy Chris,ex-Acornetto & ex-Inmate
You ponder for a while as to what this strange song means..
*
You are standing in a brightly lit cavern where four caves meet. Here
we find a very fierce Shih-Tzu chained to the wall, guarding the exits
to North and East.
*
This is a brightly lit hall that is almost squeaky clean. It is clear
that this room is in regular use by person or persons unknown.
*
You are in a dimly lit hall. The floor is covered in an amazingly deep
pile carpet, and the walls are covered in soft velvet drapes which hang
from ceiling to floor. Vaguely oriental sounding music wafts softly on
the air which hangs heavy with the exotic perfumes of the mystic East.
*
You are in the Evil Doppelganger's Chamber. Here the Evil Doppelganger
wields absolute power (which is even more fun) over the Asylum. It is all
clear now. Leo McDeux is just a figurehead, with real control of the
Asylum belonging to The Doppelganger's evil double, the Evil Doppelganger
Is this the reason for the Doppelganger's presence here? Has the Evil
Doppelganger lured him here to take his place, or what?
*
This is a dark, damp, dank and depressingly gloomy little cave. It is
exactly like any other dark, damp, dank and depressingly gloomy little
cave you have ever been in. Just describing it to you makes me feel
depressed.. I'm not getting you down at all am I? I should hate to feel
I was getting you down at all. Oh god, I'm so Depressed!
*
This is a dark, damp, dank and depressingly gloomy little cave. It is
exactly like any other dark, damp, dank and depressingly gloomy little
cave you have ever been in. Just describing it to you makes me feel
depressed.. I'm not getting you down at all am I? I should hate to feel
I was getting you down at all. Oh god, I'm so Depressed!
*
This is a dark, damp, dank and depressingly gloomy little cave. It is
exactly like any other dark, damp, dank and depressingly gloomy little
cave you have ever been in. Just describing it to you makes me feel
depressed.. I'm not getting you down at all am I? I should hate to feel
I was getting you down at all. Oh god, I'm so Depressed!
*
This is a dark, damp, dank and depressingly gloomy little cave. It is
exactly like any other dark, damp, dank and depressingly gloomy little
cave you have ever been in. Just describing it to you makes me feel
depressed.. I'm not getting you down at all am I? I should hate to feel
I was getting you down at all. Oh god, I'm so Depressed!
*
This is a dark, damp, dank and depressingly gloomy little cave. It is
exactly like any other dark, damp, dank and depressingly gloomy little
cave you have ever been in. Just describing it to you makes me feel
depressed.. I'm not getting you down at all am I? I should hate to feel
I was getting you down at all. Oh god, I'm so Depressed!
*
The Cassette is entitled 'A Thousand and One Nights with It's a
Beautiful Day.
*
This is a copy of 'Nybble' magazine, which for some reason never did
as well as it's rival, 'Byte'. It features an interview with none other
than the poor chap responsible for the IBM PS/1 Sales Campaign.
*
This is a small leaflet on behalf of SLAG, the Schizoid Loony
Adventurer's Guild, which bears the following Health warning :-
'WARNING: Playing this Parallel World Simulator can seriously damage
your Health
*
This is a top secret, private and confidential file all about The
Doppelganger. It states that he was brought to the Asylum raving about
meeting himself for a final conflict, and repeatedly rambling about a
white bird. Leo has added the comment that in his opinion, The
Doppelganger is obviously so far out to lunch that it's breakfast time
the next day!
*
This is a list of inmates. Currently in the Asylum there are three
inmates. Manic Melvin is in padded cell number one, Eddie the Biker
is in padded cell number two, and The Doppelganger is in Padded Cell
number Six.
*
This is a Trabant, all the way from what used to be East Germany.
Had they been imported to the UK earlier, it would have
been a rampaging success, sold by the score in Reggie Perrin's GROT shops
along with square hoops, terrible paintings of the Algarve, and utterly
undrinkable wine..
*
This is a Gold Watch from Ratners and as such is completely
useless as any form of Timepiece.. But then it only cost 99p. Nafferama at its worst.
*
This is a credit card sized pass which you put into a Cardlock to open
the security doors. There is some writing on the card, it reads :-
'S.C.C. GOLD PASS - SECURITY LEVEL 1'
*
This is a pass which you put into the cardlocks. It reads :-
'S.C.C. SILVER PASS - SECURITY LEVEL 2'
*
This is a pass which goes into the cardlock to open the door. It says :-
'S.C.C. BRONZE PASS - SECURITY LEVEL 3'
*
This is a spare pass provided by the Sinklair Cybernetics Corporation for
their wonderful security doors. It bears the legend :-
'S.C.C. SPARE PASS - ALL SECURITY LEVELS'
*
This is an early PC Clone (I think I'm a clone now, there's always two of me
just hanging around) from Allan Sucrose's Amtrak Corporation. It's a
bottom of the line Amtrak PC with CeGeEh, and thus not half as nice as,
say a Dell-boy or Qompac..
*
This is a Strip Poker game for early PC clones. CeGeEh graphics not being noted
for their flesh tones, you wonder what it looks like, and also notice the
odd little stains on the disk-box inlay..
*
This is a portrait of Dame Sir (MAD) Clive Sinklair Z.B.E. (Zeeb of the
British Empire). Here he is pictured holding a Z88 in one hand, and a
bunch of shares in the London International Group in the other. What, you
may ask, is the connection.. - you ever SEEN a Z88's keyboard?
*
This is a bottle of assorted pills. On the label it says :-
Assorted Pills - Doppelganger's for the use of, Athletes KEEP OFF!
Well, a Parallel World has to have some similarity to reality..
*
This is a small blue and white box as seen on News at Ten and very
dear to The Doppelganger's heart, or something.. All the lettering
has been obliterated with Tippex, and the message 'That would be
Telling - Dop' has been written on the front..
*
This is the Legendary Dodworth Buzzard! It is a pure white marble statue
picked out in gold and precious gems, and mounted within a golden cage.
A real treasure and the object of The Doppelganger's Quest!
*
You gaze deeply into the heart of the crystal ball, but all you can see is
this message. 'Due to Unforeseen Circumstances this crystal ball is out of
order. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.'
*
This is no ordinary Cheese and Pickle Sandwich, but a Super Doppy Snack!
First there is a doorstep slice of brown bread, on top of which there is
a lettuce leaf and a layer of sliced onion. This is then topped with
another doorstep slice, smothered with Slymemould Cheese, red cabbage,and
several slices of Cucumber. On top of this another inch thick doorstep
slice topped in thick, excitingly chunky Piccalilli sprinkled in loads of
pepper. Spread mustard across another thick slice, and put this face down
across the top. Pop in a Hydraulic Press (checking for Flies first),and
close at maximum pressure for several hours to compress to the dimensions
of the average human mouth. When ready, eat, but very very carefully...
A note to Dieters, a Super Doppy Snack is non fattening, as after one of
these you won't want to eat again for a Week! This mega-meal was invented
of course, by The Doppelganger, who also invented the following phrase:-
'Never eat more than ONE Super Doppy Snack, unless your name is Bernard
Manning'
*
This seemingly innocent packet of Ruffles Crisps aren't quite as good
an accompaniment for Damn Fine Coffee as a Doughnut would be..
*
This is The Doppelganger's Brown bag, a seasoned veteran of many strange
journeys, by uncanny forms of transport, such as British Rail, and worse
things still.. It is, despite looking almost Handbagesque, a dead ringer
for the bag carried by Ford Prefect in the TV series of 'Hitch Hiker's
Guide to the Galaxy'
*
This is a copy of 'Spaceballs : The Book'. Possibly the worst book ever
of a movie, or the worst book, period. It makes this game look like
literature..
*
This is a large white towel with MARS written down it, only available
at the Deimos Hillton, last service area before the Asteroid Belt..
*
This is a cup full of chicken and orangey-bovril coffee flavour tea.
It smells much worse than it looks, so you can maybe guess what it
tastes like.. After all what did you expect? Damn fine coffee?
*
This teddy bear just happens to be known as a Zaphod Beeblebear, a
bear with two heads and three arms.. Available from ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha
the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy Appreciation Society. print for
Details to : Noel Collyer, 17 Guildford Street, Brighton,
East Sussex, BN1 3LA..
*
This is a roll of Australian Sticky Tape, which for anyone who doesn't
know, is known by a brand name used in this country for products of a
somewhat different nature. Woe betide the Aussie just off the plane who
walks into W.H.Smith's and asks for a ROLL of this!
N.B. This is NOT to be confused with large American buildings.
*
This is a roll of paper with each sheet separated by little perforations,
wrapped around a cardboard tube. The world is a tough place, and if you're
gonna survive out there, and keep your underclothes clean, you've really
got to know where your Toilet roll is..
*
There were, at one time, through some tabloid or other, available, some
Samantha Fox Pillowcases. Well here is a pillow to suit...
*
Swedish Rail once made a rather unusual offer to Students, unlike our
British Rail's somewhat staid cut-price Railcard, Swedish Rail's offer
was, knowing Students, far more likely to be appreciated. The offer
was, not Australian Sticky Tape, nor huge American buildings, or even
Z88 Keyboards, but something similar. There is, however, as yet, no
truth in the rumour that British Rail are planning a similar offer, to
be known as the 'Have it Away-Day'.
*
The sign has a microphone built into it and reads :-
'Please state your business here, whom you have come to see.'
*
This is a Sinklair Cybernetics Corporation Security Cardlock.
To open the door you must have one of the special passes, and put the
pass, referring to it by name, into the lock. The door will then
slide open and remain open for a short while..
*
This is a Lixmax Drinks Dispenser, the very last word in 'Intelligent'
Drinks Dispensing Technology. There are several buttons on it which offer
a choice of Tea, Coffee, Chicken Soup, Bovril, or Orange drink. Why it has
all these buttons however is still a mystery, for whatever button you
press you always end up with the same unpalatable rubbish.
*
This is the Saturday Smut's Calendar, with a different Everypage Girl
for every month, January's has three breasts, February's has green
skin and comes from the Planet Quarg, March's is Lord Lucan in Drag,
April's weighs three tons and eats a small farm every week,
May's girl is the reincarnation of Eva Braun, June's has a 100 inch
bust, July's pin-up has no nose (How does she smell? Awful! (groan)),
August's is apparently the Invisible Woman, September's girl has
three arms, October's picture is a woman who fed her husband to her pet
Shih-Tzu, November's is riding Shergar, and December's Everypage Girl
is Father Christmas's nymphette mistress! Or so it says here in your
family (!!! FAMILY !!! The biggest work of fiction in the paper!)
Saturday Smut..
*
This is a nice glossy grey coloured filing cabinet. Maybe you ought to
try opening it..
*
This poster is a nice cheerful picture of someone in a long black cloak
carrying a scythe walking through sheets of fire, while in the foreground
a skull grins unmercifully. Great decor..
*
Get a Trabant? + cannot be Serious! + must be Manic!
*
Eeeeuuuurrrggh! Huuuueeeyyy! Ralllllfffffppphhh!
This Chicken and Orangey-Bovril Coffee flavoured Tea actually, somehow,
manages to taste much worse than it smells, and looks. Yeeeuucck!
*
Umm, nice, that was a rather chewy soft caramel toffee encased in a
dark chocolate coating. Why should little Shih-Tzu's have all the best
sweeties, well, actually there IS a reason..
*
Yecch! Awful! What kind of moron sucks a towel anyway? + obviously do%
*
Unfortunately, there are no spaceships in the area, so the universal
distress signal of Towel waving is to no avail. Maybe as a Babel-Fishless
Earthling though that's for the best..
*
A cloud of dust flies from the mat and everyone here sneezes. Aaacchhooo!
*
This is indeed a very comfortable chair. Will + be sitting here all day
or will + carry on with this game?
*
This is a very nice Camp bed, but why the strange compulsion to get up
and shut that door?
*
Wait! Maybe sitting on a joke from an old Goodies book can damage your health
*
Yes this IS a nice bench, but why do you want me to chase you?
*
Hey listen! This is not one of those 'Thud and Blunder' type programs where
you can go round killing things on an 'If it moves, kill it, and if it doesn't
kill it anyway just to be on the safe side.' Where do you think you are, some
Sylvester Stallone movie or something?
*
You rotten swine, how could you possibly contemplate hitting a sweet furry
little Shih-Tzu, even if it IS contemplating your ankles with the same look
it might give to a nice juicy steak. Shame on +.
*
As + approach% the dog with the laden syringe, saying things like, 'Nice doggy,
Good doggy', + see# that the dog is showing its pearly white gnashers and the
whites of its eyes, and decide discretion is the better part of valour.
*
Calm down, and take some advice off the front of The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the
Galaxy, where it says on the cover, in those legendary large, friendly letters,
DON'T PANIC
*
Music billows out from the speakers set in the car, it goes..:-
'White Bird, in a golden cage, on a winter's day, in the rain..
White Bird, in a golden cage, alone...' + listen# to the first
track and decide# that it's far too, erm, Californian, to suit +.
*
You boot the PC with the game disk inserted, and begin to play.
The CeGeEh colours used remind you of your interest in Ornithology,
and the summer evening spent surveying the little birdies hanging
from the coconuts in the back yard, through a pair of binoculars,
until your gaze strayed to Mavis Crump's bedroom window, where you
watched a bird of a different feather, until the Police came knocking
on your door. Reminiscing about the good old days, your mind is on
other things than Poker, and you are resoundly beaten..
*
In response to this word of command, the gates swing smoothly open.
*
The little Shih-Tzu leaps up and grabs the toffee from your hand, it
then lies down with the end of the wrapper gripped in its paws, unwraps
the sweet, and chews the toffee, then swallows it with a gulp. It then
looks up at you, its tail wagging wildly. You've got a friend for life..
*
The dog isn't interested in your offer of the Yorkie bar, and goes back
to guarding the Exits.
*
The dog rejects the Ruffles with disdain and barks loudly, echoing
through the corridors.
*
The dog sniffs the food on the tray, then goes back to guard duty.
*
The little Shih-Tzu snarls viciously as + approach% it with the
sandwich. It might prefer a bite of + to a bite of Super Doppy Snack.
*
Phew! That was an awful lot but + managed to eat it anyway. The problem
with Super Doppy Snacks is that they look small and innocent enough in
compressed form, but on reaching the stomach they expand to their
original proportions. It was, of course, a Super Doppy Snack with a
special extra-terrestrial salad dressing that John Hurt consumed just
before the infamous Lunch scene in 'Alien'
*
On eating that Yorkie bar + get# seized by the urge to leap into a
38 ton articulated lorry and drive off down the road complaining bitterly
about the weather and singing the Trucking song from 'Not the Nine
O'Clock News .. 'I like trucking, I like trucking, I like trucking
and I like to truck, I like trucking, I like trucking, if you don't
like trucking tough luck!'.. Not to mention the urge to buy an Amtrak Stereo!
*
It was probably a good idea to have Kyle Maclachlan advertise these
crisps to appeal to all those Twin Peaks fans, but did anyone notice
there were two versions of the advert? In the Daytime version, they're
Darn Fine Crisps, and in the After-the-watershed version, Damn Fine Crisps
*
Well, that was better than a poke in the eye with a Big Shergar from
a McDonut's Horseburger Emporium anyday..
*
Those toffees are nice, no wonder the dog likes them so much..
*
When the cup hits the machine, the liquid(?) finds its way deeply into
the works of the machine. The S.C.C. Dispens-o-Matic computer controller
board shorts out, the doo-hickey overheats, the froodle explodes, and this
is followed by the complete immediate collapse of the Matter/AntiMatter
Grockle field, and the whole thing, dispenser, cup and all disappears in
a puff of Un-Smoke. This triumph over technology does not go un-noticed,
and on a far distant planet a 15 mile high statue of + throwing the cup
is erected, which later becomes the dwelling place of the planet's
inhabitants after they'd evolved into birds..
*
All three of the Asylum Staff are now locked up in their own Padded Cells.
Meanwhile, secreted deeply within the heart of the Asylum, a hooded figure,
Who?, stirs, activating a secret panel allowing exploration to the secret
caverns, beneath the Asylum, and whatever you may find there...
*
The two Doppelgangers, good and evil, meet and lock in mortal conflict!
There is a blinding flash and a violent explosion, and when the smoke clears,
only one Doppelganger, the real McDop, remains, the Evil Doppelganger
having seemingly vanished without trace.. Maybe forever...
*
The Asylum is rocked by a violent explosion, as if someone had dropped a
bomb on it, which incidentally wouldn't be a bad idea..
*
The phone at the end rings twice, then clicks, and a voice says
'Ello 'ello 'ello, what's all this then? We're all out at the moment
on our pushbikes, well, a Policeman's lot is not an 'appy one.
Evenin' all..'
*
A voice says 'At the third stroke, the time from the Saturday Smut will be
ExtraTerrestrials stole my Watch Precisely. Ooohh, Aaahh, Ohhhhhh!'
*
The phone rings... and rings... and rings.... + hang# up.
*
The door slides open with a satisfied sounding Whoosh, and says
'Glad to be of Service! - Have a nice day!'
*
Here begins a transcript of ASYLUM! (Follow the Cheese and Pickle Sandwich)
*
Here endeth this ASYLUM! Transcript..
*
Mr, Mrs, Miss or Ms Asylumplayer
*
Asylumplayer
*
Augh! What an awful noise! + do%n't seem very good at that
do% +. Still, not being able to play never stopped people
making hit records for Stock Aitken and Waterman did it!
*
Help? You been buying Beatles CD's or something?
What do you think this is, some kind of cockamamie
Adventure Game or something?
*
^END^
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Mr Doppy prints exceedingly good games
Where's that little Shih-Tzu?
My Bologna, Eat It, and you'll get Fat!
I'm a 'Weird Al' Yankovic Fan
Who wants a PS/1 anyway?
I can't help thinking that calling a computer the mexican for 'Girlfriend' is silly!
Only I can get rid of Myself!
Ever felt that Life is a Computer program and you're stuck in an infinite loop?
I'm in two minds here..
First me, then the white bird.
Can you remember what Scotty always said?
Has anyone seen my mattress? Where's the Camel?
Last night I had a strange dream about a beautiful girl and a dancing midget...
Trust me... I KNOW what I'm doing!
Keep that Doppelganger away from me!
I must beware of that goody-goody Doppelganger
This dimesion isn't big enough for the both of us..
Help me get The Doppelganger out of this place..
This Asylum is a big Double-cross..
Don't leave him in a room with soft walls!
Don't do something, Sit there!
Don't get caught on a bad trip.
I'm in fairy rings and tower beds..
Hi there @, Call me Pruzi!
The Trabant is the ONLY way to travel..
Where's my PS/1? I love IBM, such value for money.
Jeremy Beadle is GOD
Cor, Dannii Minogue is so great..
I really love Neighbours, or is it Home and Away..?
The trouble with Mouse driven computers is that they make me want to jump on a table and scream!
I drink Kalliber, me....
Eddie the Biker put a curse on me..!
I didn't like my Teddy!
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love Rock and Roll!
Whatever happened to saturday nights?
with your arm around your girl you'd try to sing along..
I'm a greaser from the freezer..
All sliced up and no-place to go!
I'm like a bat out of hell..
Avez vous un Penny Farthing?
The whole earth, as the Asylum, that IS my hope..
This is the Asylum! Are you mad?
Bring on the Black Horse..
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
I'm McDeux! I'm the boss here!
At a word from me, at a propitious moment...
I can really give you the needle.
Call me Di
Come with me @...
I really want to give you the Treatment.
Come to the treatment room anytime..
Let me give you the treatment @.
Do% @ want a treat? Come with me..
Can I help you?
Go to Reception!
I am the Receptionist here!
Leo McDeux is the Asylum Director, go see him!
You'll have a lorra lorra pain, I'll have a lorra lorra laffs..
Hi there @, how are you?
It's a beautiful day!
Be Seeing You!
Good morning @
Good Afternoon @
Goodnight @
Noss off @!
Go away @!!
Leave me alone @!
Are you following me?
Beat it, before I beat it for you..
You're a no-good know-nothing nerd!
Buzz off you Zeeb!
Go stick your head in a Pig!!
I don't like you @.